Week One Saturday Picks
09/04/2009 § Leave a comment
Okay, so as picks go, my opening night was about as bad as Chip Kelly’s. Going 0-2 right off the bat was not what I had in mind. There are some big games coming up tomorrow, and I’ve got a lot of ground to make up. This is no time for stubborn pride, so I’ve enlisted the help of someone who knows a little something about making predictions: the prophecies of 16th century French apothecary and noted seer Michel de Nostradame.
To help me decode these notoriously knotty quatrains, I’m joined by Nostradamus scholar and trenchcoat collector Jeremy van Buren.
OF: Let’s get down to business, shall we? We’ve got a few big matchups this weekend, and Virginia Tech @ Alabama is probably the biggest of them all. You got anything on that one?
JVB: Right away, I found something that might be relevant. Century I, Quatrain 3 says:
When the litters are overturned by the whirlwind and faces are covered by cloaks, the new republic will be troubled by its people. At this time the reds and the whites will rule wrongly.
Since Alabama’s colors are crimson and white, I believe this quatrain predicts them to win.
OF: You think “rule wrongly” means “win a football game?”
OF: Okay, what about the other three lines? What do they have to do with football?
JVB: One thing you need to realize is that Nostradamus often used codes and tricks in his prophecies to conceal them from the religious leaders at the–
OF: All right, all right. I didn’t invite you here to do a History Channel voice-over. What about Georgia @ Oklahoma State?
JVB: Sure. Century V, Quatrain 4:
The large mastiff expelled from the city Will be vexed by the strange alliance, After having chased the stag to the fields The wolf and the Bear will defy each other.
“Large mastiff” is clearly a reference to the Georgia Bulldogs who are on the road or “expelled from the city.” The second line seems to indicate that Georgia will be confused by either Oklahoma State’s offense or defense, or maybe both. “Stag” could mean “horse,” and refer to the Cowboys, whom Georgia will be “chasing” because they can’t catch them.
OF: So, Oklahoma State wins?
JVB: It looks like it.
OF: Who are the “wolf” and the “bear” that will defy each other?
JVB: It’s hard to be sure.
OF: More of that “code?”
JVB: Shut up.
OF: Our last game is the annual neutral site meeting of Illinois and Missouri.
JVB: This game takes place in St. Louis, which led me to this quatrain:
The great arch demolished down to its base, By the chief captive his friend forestalled, He will be born of the lady with hairy forehead and face, Then through cunning the Duke overtaken by death.
The demolished arch makes me think that Missouri loses this game. The “Chief captive” is Illinois, who are named after a native American tribe, and they are “forestalling” their “friend,” which probably means “rival” here. The last line is the real giveaway for me though, as “Duke” is the nickname of John Wayne, who has been accused of being racist against native Americans, who will, in this game “overtake” him “by death.”
OF: Really? John Wayne? That’s what you’re going with?
JVB: Makes sense to me.
OF: What about the “lady with the hairy forehead and face?”
JVB: Have you seen the chicks at Mizzou? Woof!
So there you have it, folks: indisputable predictions from the man who foretold the 9/11 attacks, the rise of Hitler, and the assassination of JFK through vague and confusing prophecies that were never deciphered until after the fact!